I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
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Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?