I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
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Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.