*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
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Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
mmm onion ringos
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
lmfao come on
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.