I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
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Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is