To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
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The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.