My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
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why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.