dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
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I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird