Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
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lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.