Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
You Might Also Like
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.