Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
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If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
No one :
Me when I swimming :