I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
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My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.