This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
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Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
This meeting could have been a cake
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec