I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
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Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”