I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
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Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.