if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
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I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.