Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
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EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
wow
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Y’all know who you are.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”