If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
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I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Leaving the Barbers like
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Blew my mind.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Florida be like…
Very problematic
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.