gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.