“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
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“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
do u think theres a butter planet?
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”