Don’t snitch tag.
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My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
this is funnier than any friends episode
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.