Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
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I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
just witnessed a drug deal
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I’m crying im so happy for them
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”