[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
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Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
new wife guy just dropped
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.