My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
You Might Also Like
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Nice try, NASA
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.