My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
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Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I know karate and tons of other words.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Batman v Dracula
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.