Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
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I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.