I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
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Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats