My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
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Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
same vibe as tangled headphones
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs