Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
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It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here