One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
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My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Is….Is this an option?
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.