FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
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I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
i want to work in this restaurant
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Breaking news:
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs