Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
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bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
i think both sides are to blame here
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*