me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
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You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Not today. 😅
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
when revenge coincides with naptime
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.