If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
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If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Kermit goes Blue.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
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My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.