[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
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Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp