I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
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Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.