[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
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If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
The options really are this bad
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.