CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
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Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
How to draw a duck
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk