“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
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in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.