every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
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Milk Cube
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
me when I see my crush
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.