*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
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I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
craving $300 all of a sudden
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.