Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
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Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.