Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
You Might Also Like
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
#dnd #ttrpg
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
*frowns in Scottish*
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken