I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
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I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart