[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
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This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Every work call, he judges.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.