[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
You Might Also Like
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.