There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
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Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this