I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
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The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs