Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
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Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.