I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
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Passwords are more important than ever.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
When I said I liked it rough.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
My birthstone is kidney
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.