Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
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My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
…u ok Nintendo?
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤